Agonizing Self-Appraisal
This entry is a re-post of one I did on another blog way back in 2015. My memory was jogged when a broken link to the old blog surfaced and I was able to retrieve the original due to the fine services of https://web.archive.org
Agonizing Self-Appraisal (Originally posted May 2015)
As a result of my experience in Corona at BGU Live this year, I’ve discovered a few things both about myself and some observations in general that might be of help to anyone who finds they are experiencing similar fears.
I overanalyze everything and frequently suffer from analysis paralysis. In my remaining years, I need to live a bit more in the moment and a little less worried about what the future holds. This applies to a lot more than just playing guitar.
As for the actual competition, If you never play with anyone else, you have no yardstick with which to measure your own progress. This isn’t a case of “I’m better or worse than another player.” It’s just a reference to realize “yeah, I can do this.”
The old adage about being your own worst critic is definitely true. Sitting at home, playing by yourself with nothing but jam tracks, you won’t notice your own improvement. Your own playing isn’t going to sound fresh or original to you most of the time, because you learned and have played those same songs and licks over and over again. When you put them all together, there’s usually no surprise to you because you’ve heard them a hundred times before. They might have sounded fresh when you first heard them, but there is a whole lot of difference from “hey, I have to learn that killer lick” to you finally owning it.
In listening to others, I hear licks I don’t do, and even some of the licks I do know are strung together differently than I play them. That leads to surprise and excitement listening to others play. You don’t know what they’re going to play next. You may not always know exactly what you’re going to play next, either, but with someone else, the sky is the limit. In other words, your own stuff is going to suck and other people’s stuff is going to sound better than yours. The funny thing is, they are likely to be thinking exactly the same thing when they listen to their own stuff. Just remember when you play that 24 bar solo that even though you’ve heard it a hundred times, most of the people who are listening to it are hearing it for the first time. They are enjoying the freshness and surprise in your solo that you’re not.
In short, you’re probably a better player than you think. It’s probably always going to be that way.
As for the fear of playing in front of other people. I can’t help you much on that. I will be scared the next time I play with and in front of others. The longer I wait, the more anxious I will be. The day after doing the solo with Griff and the band, our trio got up in front of the same group that had petrified me the day before. We did two songs that we had not rehearsed at all. One of the songs we only decided to play about 20 minutes before our turn. No rehearsal and entirely from our memory of how the song goes. Not only was I not nervous, but those last two songs were the most fun ones I had played with our trio the entire weekend.
Most performers get just a little nervous before they start. The more you play in front of people, the less that fear becomes. But the less frequently you do it, the higher that anxiety level will be.
This year, my goal is to find local friends or an open jam and become a regular. I have no doubts that half a dozen live jams will do me more good than sitting in my music room playing along with hundreds of jam tracks. It will be a whole lot more fun, too!
